Abstract: OOPS, Jonathan (my 4 year old) just drank my double cappuccino! All parenting for the day has been suspended, it's now a science experiment morning.

My four year-old drank my Double Tall Cappuccino.

 

 

 

OK, let me just start by saying the obvious.  Guilty.  Yes, I am .  I turned my head for a second while I was loading the baby into the stroller.  My two boys were obediently waiting next to the stroller with the ‘one hand on the stroller in the parking lot’ rule. I was taking longer than usual putting the baby in the stroller.   She was asleep and I was trying to let her have an uninterrupted nap.  Third born child ~ sucks to be you sometimes.  I was so proud that my 4 year-old (who is STILL the most intense and hardest to deal with) was listening to my directions.  The boys were even being quiet!  Wow, I felt like Dad of the Century.  Then, I stood up. 

It was like a slow motion scene from a terrible horror movie.  My son, Jonathan, who is already the most hyperactive child on the planet, was FINISHING my double tall cappuccino.  Let me double back and try to explain Jonathan to you.  One of my SEAL Team friends put it best when after spending an afternoon with Jonathan, he summed him up as “175 pounds of F*ck YOU in a 40 pound sock”.   Jonathan is the only 4 year old in his pre-school that rides his bike to school.  He rides 5 miles a day, then comes home and runs laps around the house.  He finally falls asleep at around 11:00 at night.  My wife jokes, “if he is not moving, then he is asleep”.  There is literally NO REST when Jonathan is around. 

I once felt bad about this.  Especially, when he continuously would come home from daycare with pink slips for beating on all of his ‘friends’ at school.  When he was two, we signed him up for a gymnastics class.  He quickly earned the name: HEAT SEEKING MISSLE.  He would simply walk into the room, find a target child, then run full steam until he connected with his target in some brutal way.  CIass was from 6:00-6:45.  I would have a double Jack-and-Coke down by 7:00 pm.  I thought I was raising the anti-Christ. 

Luckily for us, he turned the corner on May 10^th of this year.  It was Mother’s Day.  I told him that “today is Mother’s day and it is ALL about Mommy.  I love your Mommy and I want to make it the best day possible for her.  If you behave like a stinker, you will spend the entire day in your room”.  This was no different than many other talks I had with him at bedtime, but on May 9^th he got the message.  Enough said, he was an angel that day and continued to be much better since.  We still have our moments, but if you met him today, you wouldn’t know about his mean streak unless you did something to really piss him off. 

So, in the absence of 1000 mg of caffeine, he is a pretty good guy.  Caffeine brought the Relapse to Hell.  I turned and saw him ‘bottoms up’ my caffeine fix for the morning.  Nooooooooooooooooo!  Jonathan  just wiped the froth from his mouth with his sleeve and looked at me with a look that said “giddee up daddy, we are going for a ride!”.  I was scared.

 

 

 

It’s still hard to talk about the next four hours.  Truly, I can’t decide which was worse: witnessing him ramp up or watching him crash.  It was unbelievable.  Do you remember the muppets?  Do you remember the drummer named 'Animal'?  Imagine Animal on cocaine.  Got it?  OK, now light him on fire.  That's Jonathan fully loaded with cappuccino. Again, it was unbelievable. 

My wife called from work to see how my day was going.  

I told her, "well, Jonathan just drank 2 shots of espresso." 

"What!  Oh my God!!  Do you need my help? What are you going to do?"

"I have to get him outside and on a playground.  I can't let this grenade go off indoors."

"Ok", she said.  "Good Luck."

We quickly made our way to the nearest playground.  Within minutes, he had stripped down to his underwear and was flailing wildly.   His language became incomprehensible but he seemed to be having the time of his life.  His laughter went from the sweet laughter of a little boy to the maniacal cackle of the Joker.  He (luckily) was not touching any other kids on the playground.  But, kids and parents both just stopped and watched in utter amazement as he put on his own spider man stunt show.  I was feeling guilty for leaving the coffee within reach.  But, hey, c’mon!  What 4 year-old likes the taste of coffee?  Espresso?  Apparently mine and now I was paying for it.  Secretly, I was laughing my ass off at my new science experiment for the day.  He ran for about 3 hours at hyper speed.  I think he was just on cruise control and burning constant after-burners. 

The crash came fast and furious.  He napped for 3 hours straight without moving.  I would check for a pulse occasionally.  When he woke up, he didn’t seem to remember anything.  Wow, I put myself back in the running for the worst dad of the year award. 

But, what the hell, he drank it.  We lived it.  We all survived. 

Life is good.  Life with coffee is better….. 

Jon sanchez

Abstract: If you are about to have your first baby boy, get ready!

interesting things when you have sons, like...         1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.         2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.         3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.         4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.         5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.         6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.         7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.         8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.         9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old man says they can only do it in the movies.         10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.         11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.         12.) Super glue is forever.         13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.         14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.         15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.         16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.         17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.         18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.         19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.         20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.         21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.         22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.         23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.       24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.         25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Abstract:

PARENT - Job Description

This is funny. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!  Now, I know

"DAD" is the best title I have ever had.

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this!   You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

GOLDEN PARACHUTE

Grandkids!

Abstract:

I am old enough to remember the original transformers. However, I am also old enough to not be able to transform the stupid toy I bought for my son's birthday. WTF? Someone tell me I am not alone.

Am I that guy? Three of us sitting on the coach trying to figure this stuff out. Glad to say my engineer neighbor couldn't do it either. But, then again, most engineers can't make a PB&J sandwich.

Good news... I figured out how to work the soccer ball.

Side Note - Yeah, for casting Megan Fox!

"Transformers: Roll Out"

Abstract:

Everyone was lined up with their new backpacks, shoes and finest first day clothes. Some with smiles ear to ear and others with look of terror.  

 

My daughter was eager to get in there, make friends and improve on her knowledge of everything she already claims to know.  What ever they teach her - The few things she cannot explain is always chalked up to “Daddy Magic Powers”. I hope she doesn’t get too smart to quick.

I love how my "daddy-magic-powers" work and make me feel.

Abstract: Wow, is he in school already?

My son, Jonathan, started Kindergarten.  We knew this was coming for a long time, but it came quick.  I can't believe he actually has to be somewhere (legally) now.  Up until now, we have been the in charge of EVERYTHING he sees / does.  Now, he is part of the school system. 

When I dropped him off this morning, he simply charged into the classroom and didn't look back.  He ran to a group gathered in the middle of the room and they immediately started playing together.  He was happy and kids were happy to see him.  That says it all.  I am so proud that he has such a sense of self and security.  He didn't need to look back.  He didn't tug at my leg like he used to just a year ago.  Just like that, he has a new sense of identity and pride in himself.

I am excited for him.  He is so proud to be in school.  But, there is a sense of loss as a Dad.  I mean, I can't just pull him out of daycare and spend a Tuesday afternoon with him if I want!?!  There is a loss of control.  This is parenthood.  I want to see him grow and learn.  I want to watch him become a man.  But, it's so bittersweet to let him go. 

Jonathan, you won't remember this day.  But I will.  It was an important and wonderful day for me.  I watched you through the doorway.  I couldn't help myself.  I walked into your classroom and grabbed you and kissed you.  I was so happy and sad at the same moment.   Good luck son.

Jon Sanchez

ps.  He has homework.  Yeah, homework in Kindergarten. 

Abstract: "With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.
Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously, not.

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
I'm invisible. The invisible Dad.
Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being.
I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?'
I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated from two colleges with an MS and an MBA - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Mike had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and he was going on and on about the hotel he stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.
I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Mike turned to me with a package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .
I wasn't exactly sure why he'd given it to me until I read his inscription:
"With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book.

And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
No one can say who built the great cathedrals of Europe - we have no record of their names.
These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.' I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Dan. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no teddy bear arm you've sewn on, no easy bake oven cookie you've help bake, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.
The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

As parents, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. But one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible builders.

Abstract:

I got a new shirt for father's day. "I used to be cool" was proclaimed across the chest.

I am cool, right? I am not a clothes junkie or a style slave. However, I do like to look good and take pride in my appearance. Plus, I want to teach my kids to take pride in what ever they do.

As a promise to my very stylish wife ...I tossed all of those old t-shirts and bought some cool-kid casual gear. Target has some awesome athletic cut t-shirts. It's all about how your clothes fit.

This link provide 10 Essential Style (and Survival) Rules for fathers.
http://www.mhbestlife.com/cms/publish/personalfinance/I_m_going_to_a_charity_art_auction_Any_tips_on_getting_a_good_deal.php

The first rule caught my attention... "Don't eat the leftovers." Every dad will relate to this one.

Your Normism for the day:
If you are wearing a brown leather weaved belt, golf shirts & white socks... You may not have the ability to become stylish on your own. Please get a personal shopper at Nordstrom's to drag your sorry ass out of the early 90's. While you're at... You may impress your wife and increase your odds.

Abstract:

Over the last year the stress of the economy has weighed heavy on many shoulders. Subsequently, families have suffered in one way or another.

Looking at my most recent paycheck… This is the fourth, maybe fifth, month in a row that I did not make enough to cover the monthly necessities.  Despite watching my savings disappear, I realize our nest egg can be rebuilt. What cannot be replaced is time.  

 There is a great sense of urgency in my world, but I will not allow it spoil the few years I have with my little monkeys.

 Being positive is tough. Please feed me with positive ideas of what  you are doing. 

  

Some of my Budget Ideas: McDonalds has $1 ice cream cones and Sundaes, Picnics, Parks, growing vegetables with the kids, playgrounds, Mom-mom & Pop-pop.

I look forward to laughing at the memory of taking left-over’s from the office’s catered lunch and trying to pass them off as “Daddy got take-out”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Abstract: I'm a total loser mom making brownies

So, has this ever happened to you? Today I decided to bake cookies with the kids. I had a plan to bake some from scratch when my youngest pulled a box of brownie mix out of the baking supplies cabinet. I thought, "cool, well, this won't take long" and we got started. Midway through you're supposed to squeeze Hersheys sauce into the batter. I got some on my fingers and upon licking it off (of course) it tasted bad. Ick but I figured maybe they make it weird so that it doesn't overwhelm the brownies. Off to the oven... 30 minutes later I cut two slices for the kids and got some on my fingers again (now, you know why I have 5 pounds to lose) and tasted it. Ick! Serious, not good. Then it dawned on me... The expiration on the package was April 2006!!!!! Can you believe that? This box of brownies was purchased before my youngest son was even born. This box of brownies has probably moved with me from St. Louis to Chicago then to San Francisco...it has a frequent flier miles account! I'm off to the refrigerator now...I can only imagine what science experiment must be growing in the back of the shelves.